i’m tired of writing here.

i’m going to switch back to my paper journal and try to recall some of the emotion and intensity of yesteryear.

i might be back.

until then, adieu.

also, as a farewell, i’m uploading an mp3 file of a song i really love — “my ritual” by the folk implosion. you should download it and love it, too.

i have been sleeping all day and staying up all night. sitting on my porch, smoking. and rain. it feels like freshman year all over again, and, honestly, i can’t say it’s a bad thing. i feel like i’ve come full circle. this time three years ago, i was alone. i am alone again. i don’t mind it so much this time.

there is so much fog tonight.

and so many people have come and gone. come and go. but i am still right here.

it’s finals.

i’m real fucking stressed.

i live on camels and diet coke.  and coffee.

Someday, I will be in our kitchen
bent over the sink, cheeks pink with heat,
washing strawberries.

Pinching off felted leaves
while our front-yard maple nets
the last red threads of sunset,
evening strings. The color of my fingertips
will stream across the porch screen,
onto your lap, your
palms, knuckles, newspaper.

Walking outside with a wet bowl,
I’ll wipe my hands and taste your name
as if I didn’t know it yet.

back at centre.

home was good – good times with good friends. fake moustaches, phone roulette, spiked eggnog, trivial pursuit. value city. i got to see four of my favorite girls – hilary, em, steph, and jill. and of course my family, eating chicken wangs and playing yahtzee. we’re really weird and i love it. i have a lot of good photos, but of course i left my camera cable at home, so they are stuck in SD-land.

brad and i drove back this evening in the rain. i climbed on the treadwall for awhile at eastern, and it pumped the shit out of me. i’m tired, but it was fun. note to self, though – it is possible to fall off.

but now i’m back, and now i have to do things. that whole catching-up-on-homework-over-break thing? that never happens.

…for the coming week.

- take SOC 110 quiz
- take another SOC 110 quiz
- finish 4-generation narrative for SOC 110
- start SOC 110 take-home final

- study for BIO 350 final

- study for ENG 230 final

- write 10-page ENG 383 term paper
- study for ENG 383 final

- work many many hours in anthro lab
- get three letters of recommendation for grad school
- make plans/reservations/etc. for D.C. in january
- paperwork for S-130/190 class for wildland fire training
- complete I-100 and 1-700 online for wildland fire training
- find somewhere to stay for five days of wildland fire training
- eat; sleep

…GUH.

i had a terrible craving for pimiento cheese spread on white bread last night, so ms. sarah maddux and i made a the most fulfilling late-night walmart trip of all time. i have a tub full of cheesy mayonnaise and a new friend, and it feels… nice.

dr. janovetz assured me today that i would not fail physiology, and that felt… reassuring.

i saw “still. going forward backward” this evening. it was really very worthwhile. it made me cry. i don’t think i’ve cried in six months, honestly. but it felt good, even if it was for no good reason.

i have watched more than twenty episodes of “the office” in the last three days, and i don’t even feel guilty about it all.

and i wrote a new poem. i’m not sure how i feel about it.

It’s getting dark. First I’ll find
Your eyes, the shadowed brow,
The jaw, still shaped the same.
And light will come, adjust.
A tinge of green to show the turn,
Just a brush. Sharper now, like in life.

You’ve been gone,
But I’ve kept making you.

It’s getting late. I trace the lines,
Give it shape, some weight
So you can move me like you always did,
A kite with strings, this yellowed night
On railroad ties, those gravel sounds, the sky,
Some place I’ve tried to go again.

You’ve been gone, but
So many things of mine you’ve made your own.

a news story about the poetry competition!

- one pouch welch’s tropical fruitsnacks

- one rally’s chili cheeseburger

- four tootsie rolls

- leftover pasta-stuff i made while inebriated last weekend

- two caramel calcium chews

- six chocolate twizzlers

- one-third box froot loops

- two slices papa john’s pizza with mushrooms, minus mushrooms

… ah, college.

i think i’m probably gonna get scurvy and/or fat.

i’m really glad that i’m comfortable with who i am, and, more importantly, that i don’t take myself too seriously.